MONSTER
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1979 Academy International.
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Pete - Manager of the cement plant, he's a nice guy torn between two women.
- Bill - Company troubleshooter sent to fix the problems at Pete's plant.
- Patty Clark - Female reporter, she's just the annoying "stick a mic in your face" kind.
- Laura - Pete's first girlfriend, not the most attractive girl ever beat with an ugly stick. Slut flavored monster chow...
- Juanita - Helicopter pilot and Pete's latest girlfriend.
- Glenn and Andrea - Pair of annoying kids who wander around taking pictures of everything.
- Priest - John Carradine! (A b-movie legend if there ever was one.) The Greenpeace/Contra religous icon.
- Mr. Barns-Head honcho for the company, likes to grab tush.
- Two Drunk Fisherman - If the movie had only been about these guys... ...but they get eaten.
- Maria Reyes - Widow who watched her husband get killed by the monster years ago, everybody thinks she's a witch.
- Victor Sanchez - Rebel leader who decides stop the American pig dogs from ruining his town. Blows himself up.
- The Monster - Some sort of aquatic dinosaur, possibly mutated by pollution, it just looks plain silly. Swallows explosives and blown to kingdom come.
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Usually I like monster movies, even stuff which makes pets leave the room. This, however is terrible. There are far too many characters to keep track of easily and the film quality doesn't help either. It took me two sittings just to puzzle everything out. This means I watched the movie for three hours, I'm not a happy camper.
Let's gloss over the plot shall we? There's a monster, it's eating people. There's a U.S. cement company polluting the lake, they can't get anything done with a monster eating people. There's a widow, she doesn't really matter, but they stuck her in the plot anyway. There's Pete, he's hogging all the breeding females. There's a rebel who wants the cement company gone, he should have read the directions on that pack of explosives first.
Once Bill and Pete figure out they're got an aquatic menace on their hands they take a dead sheep and stuff it full of old dynamite (yes, it's sweating) then drag it around the lake surface via a helicopter. Up comes the monster to feed, it swallows the livestock whole for some reason then starts looking around with the rope/detonator cord hanging out of it's chops. During this Bill loses his grip on the detonator switch and it falls into the lake, that happens so Bill can jump in and show how brave he is by retrieving it.
Ugh. I actually enjoyed the movie for about three minutes, those would be the periods when Mr. Barns or the drunk fishermen appeared. Barns is just one annoyed guy, everything is "damn this" or "to hell with that" while the latter are two inebriated males in a boat. The entertainment value should be obvious there, plus it gave me an idea. Several stiff drinks helped me through the second viewing. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Latin American oldies attract monsters.
- Seeing credits for a choir at the beginning of a horror movie does not bode well.
- Industry is a tool of Satan!
- Air traffic controllers the world over communicate in English.
- If you're trying to break up with a girl don't sleep with her.
- Drainage pipes are primary targets of terrorists.
- If people think you're a witch don't keep hay lying around. (Anything they can stack up and burn you at the stake with really.)
- Plastic explosive is detonated by rocket fuse.
- If you go fishing for giant monsters better use 16,000lb test line.
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- 6 mins - Hehehe! He just keeps grabbing her ass.
- 9 mins - Why all the bubbles, does our monster have gas? Hehehe! The dog is running away!
- 19 mins - Why do I think porn music should be playing?
- 25 mins - Um, monster, Pete just finished having sex with her, or is this the equivalent of a twinkie? I'm not going to make the obvious cream filled joke.
- 27 mins - I'd say the cause of death was having her legs bitten off you moron.
- 45 mins - Okay, it's about time this movie went somewhere. Oh good, drunk Colombian fishermen...
- 65 mins - Ahhh! There's a face in the radar! Oops, false alarm. Gads I hate this movie...
- 71 mins - Filmed this part in a pool huh? You can see a shadow on the sides.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | monster1.wav
| Mr. Barns: "That's why I'm sending you to Colombia, put on the next god damned slide..."
| | monster2.wav
| Laura: "Poor Pete, one man and two women want him, what a predicament for a man to be in."
| | monster3.wav
| Glenn: "You don't believe me do you?"
Bill: "Son, it's kind of hard to believe stories about sharks and monsters and elephants in lakes."
| | monster4.wav
| The two drunk fisherman talking.
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | monster1.mpg
- 2.8m
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| Here he is, you waited the entire movie to get a good look at this critter - so are you satisfied? Feel cheated don't you? Join the crowd buddy...
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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