HOWLING II
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1984 Cinema '84 (Very original...)
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Ben - Brother of the deceased newscaster Karen White, (I'm hoping you've seen the first Howling.) he's the heroic hero type. You know, the kind of guy who will let out a manly yell while shooting someone in the back.
- Jenny - Another reporter and Ben's girlfriend. Her job is either screaming ("Lookout Ben, behind you!") or helping Stefan convince her boyfriend this is all real.
- Stefan - Christopher Lee! Seems that he's a 10,000 year old werewolf hunter who used to boink his sister. Transforms into a human tiki torch.
- Vasile - Dwarf werewolf hunter, probably the best knife thrower I've ever seen. (Cough.) His eyes explode after hearing Stirba's demonic chant.
- Tondo - Another companion of Stefan who turns out to be evil.
- Mariana - Reputed to be among the most violent and cunning of female werewolves, which is why Ben kills her with a knife.
- Vlad - Stirba's mate and high priest, also taken out by Ben.
- Stirba - Sybil Danning! Queen of the werewolves and Stefan's sister. Also a tiki torch.
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First off, are there any budding Siskel and Ebert types out there who think this is a good movie? Yes? Hang it up buddy; go apply at Burger King or Sears; you are not going to make it as a movie reviewer and seem to have limited intelligence.
While definitely not a good film, this has some redeeming qualities and certainly worth watching just for Ben. He is angry for starters. Any time you have some big blonde guy wearing denim with an attitude... ...plus he can get eight shots out of a .38 revolver. (Look at the size of the cylinder, it is not going to happen.)
Basically, the film takes up where its predecessor left off. Karen White was just killed as she turned into a werewolf on television. Now, Stefan wants to drive a titanium stake through her heart. You may ask, "Why not silver or wood?" Turns out that some werewolves are immune to silver and only titanium can kill them. That must have sucked for those medieval villagers.
Priest: "You must use a weapon of pure titanium to kill the beast."
Villagers: "What the heck is titanium?"
Mr. Happy News goes on to drop another bombshell: The world is infested with lycanthropes and when Stirba finally comes to her full power all hell will break loose. Ben takes some convincing, but finally all three journey to Transylvania and hook up with Stefan's little band of freedom fighters there. After locating the castle mankind's last hope is armed with titanium weapons, two pistols, a rifle, holy water, blessed earplugs, and holy oil for the final conflict. Do not discount the oil. Stefan uses it like a grenade against one werewolf, dropping it in the hole and running as all sorts of pyrotechnics burst out.
Bottom line is that someone took a decent premise (depraved werewolf queen presides over her cursed subjects) and managed to screw it up big time. Reusing the same footage flashed before us over and over is just one symptom. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Christopher Lee looks odd in new age sunglasses.
- Tough women drive Volkswagen Rabbits.
- If a silver bullet kills someone then they are a werewolf.
- Some werewolves are only harmed by titanium... (Boy were those villagers out of luck.)
- Hitchhikers = werewolf takeout food.
- Villages are always having some sort of festival.
- Finding the one woman of color in a Transylvanian town should not be difficult.
- Werewolves can throw their voice while chanting demonic rites.
- Never wear a bell on you head when some viscous dwarf is running amok with a flail.
- Spontaneous Human Combustion is caused by incest.
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- 4 mins - Um, the "dead girl" is breathing.
- 11 mins - Ouch! (Bottle to the head.)
- 11 mins - Ouch! (Pipe to the head.)
- 12 mins - Ouch! (Crate to the head.)
- 19 mins - Ewww, now that you put it that way.
- 20 mins - Left your lights on... ...hey Ben, your lights are on... ...yo, MORON! Lights!
- 24 mins - Next on Fox: When Wookies Attack.
- 34 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 42 mins - Ben is wearing jeans and she has shorts on, but they are having sex.
- 62 mins - Did you get those holy amulets at a garage sale or something?
- 65 mins - Werewolf orgy!
- 84 mins - How many times can we watch Stirba rip off her clothes during the ending credits remix?
Let us see:  ...that would be seventeen.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | howlingii1.wav
| Jenny: "What do you know about the death of Karen White?"
Stefan: "I know that she is a werewolf."
| | howlingii2.wav
| Ben: "Jenny, what'd he say?"
Jenny: "He said your sister is a werewolf."
Ben: "Ah bullshit."
| | howlingii3.wav
| Stefan: "Even now there are great numbers of werewolves living secretly among us!"
| | howlingii4.wav
| Stirba: "Stefan, you never could resist me."
| | Theme Song | Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. | |
| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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