OL' DIRTY KUNG FU
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| Not Rated
| | Copyright 1998 Hong Kong Connection (I believe the film was made in the early 80's).
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Cliff Lok - Young man who pretends to be the famous fighter "Bamboo Stick" for a while.
- Bamboo Stick - Really old man, his powerful martial arts involves "turning enemies strengths against them" and a bamboo staff.
- Quan Chen Chi - Student of Bamboo Stick's fighting style, killed by Lung Yung Fing.
- Kha Chi Pu Tan - Cruel owner of a judo school, defeated in combat by Quan Chen Chi and corn (as in the vegetable).
- Lung Yung Fing - Evil warlord who uses "Iron Head" style to headbutt his enemies into submission, slain by Cliff Lok.
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After watching this one it's dead certain some of the film has to be missing, I know that kung fu flicks are not exactly easy to follow, but this is ridiculous.
As the movie starts we see some guy who is going to hang himself; suddenly he's getting pelted and then a mangy bum falls out of the nearby tree. The suicidal man explains that a brigand is forcing his daughter into marriage and he can't live with himself. Now it gets strange, not only is the bum not just a bum, he's the famous kung fu hero "Bamboo Stick." Cut to the wedding scene, where what is obviously a man dressed up like a woman weds the brigand. Maybe the evil guys were drunk, I've been drunk, never anywhere close to mistaking an unwashed old man for a Chinese girl, but oh well. In the resulting fracas Bamboo Stick kills the evil guy, unfortunately it's the son of his old rival Lung Yung Fang.
Daddy brigand vows to take revenge, he waylays Bamboo Stick's student and steals a precious treasure he was guarding for the government. The student, Quan Chen Chi, escapes and is soon wanted by the authorities for losing the jade ring.
In an entirely different movie starring Quan Chen Chi and Cliff Lok, they wander around for most of the film defeating evil (Or something like that.) until the original film bleeds over - Lung Yun Fang finds them. He of the great eyebrows uses the "Iron Head" technique and kills Quan Chen Chi. Bamboo Stick meanders back into the film, after learning of his pupil's death a battle ensues, but he is no match for Lung Yung Fang's head! Badly wounded he is nursed back to health by Cliff Lok and teaches the young man powerful kung fu.
When the evil warlord again finds our heroes he is in for a surprise, mainly the young fighter stuffing noodle batter in his face. You heard me, Cliff Lok blinds the bad guy with noodle batter then chokes him to death with a split bamboo stalk.
Not really impressed with this fu flick, though watching a bald guy beat people up with his noggin was cool. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Suicide should be committed in the nude.
- Wine gourds are indistinguishable from breasts.
- "Crazy Monkey" style involves screaming like a chimpanzee given an enema.
- Never punch a tree.
- Apples also make good fake breasts.
- Don't let some bald guy using "Iron Head" pound on your chest with his head.
- Heads cracking open look suspiciously like watermelons thrown against rocks.
- Noodles can be used like nunchucks.
- Bald heads are slippery.
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- 11 mins - What is up with that mole?
- 16 mins - Ouch! (Hot poker to the left butt cheek.)
- 23 mins - Did he just break wind?
- 32 mins - Now that is a huge welt.
- 47 mins - Please make the old Chinese guy stop taking his clothes off.
- 57 mins - The ultimate in perversion, kung fu cross dressers.
- 64 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A MUSTACHE!
- 85 mins - Old Bamboo Stick has some really young legs.
- 92 mins - Is he actually using noodle dough?
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | dirtykungfu1.wav
| Lung: "Well what's your idea? Speak up!"
Guy: "Old Bamboo Stick has a disciple called Quan Chen Chi. He's on escort duty now, for the government."
| | dirtykungfu2.wav
| Quan: "I'm not the famous fighter Bamboo Stick, it's all your fault."
| | dirtykungfu3.wav
| Kha: "What the hell is your name?"
Quan: "I'm the hero Bamboo Stick, who are you?"
| | dirtykungfu4.wav
| Quan: "I'm going to keep practicing Iron Head until I can kill Lung Yung Fing!"
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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