CRASH AND BURN
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1990 Full Moon Entertainment
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Tyson - Nothing this sexy has been on a motorcycle since Elvis.
- Arren - Young girl who has exceptional computer skills and a serious itch to scratch. Perhaps her grandpa should have let her go on a few dates with boys her age.
- Lathan - Old revolutionary; he covertly runs a television station in the wastes of southern California. Tries out for the part of a thousand amp fuse.
- Winston Wickett - Overweight and often sweaty talk show host. I could have done with far less footage of him shirtless. Has an arm wrenched off by Quinn.
- Christie and Sandra - Two prostitutes that were guests on Winston's talk show. Hmmm, two hookers on a talk show - I wonder what happens? Do they get called sluts? Their self esteem hardly matters; both go to the great bordello in the sky.
- Bud and Scratch - Gas station attendants. Scratch spends a little too much time under the open sky without sunscreen.
- Parice - Video schoolteacher that Tyson takes for a roll in the sack. He later discovers she is a synthoid, though he is probably the only person surprised by this. Turned into dust by a close range shotgun blast.
- Quinn - All around handyman and all robot. Mashed flat.
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After watching numerous movies about the future I have decided it sucks, whether it be evil companies taking over, the development of killer robots, or an environment ruined by man's hubris. Unfortunately for the characters populating this movie, all three have happened; it has been a bad century.
When the small group inhabiting a wasteland television station realizes one of their number might be a ruthless synthetic human, they do what every other group would do: rip off of John Carpenter's "The Thing." That is right, cut everyone's finger to see who bleeds oil, but it does not work since the robots are full of stage blood (oh, I mean red freon). Perhaps there was an easier way, like noticing that two characters never sweat even when everyone else is dripping wet! I noticed it, probably over half the audience noticed it, why did Tyson or Arren not notice it?
Tyson does catch on to the fake people and soon a game of cat and mouse (if cats were made from steel and mice used shotguns) is played out through the station's dark corridors. None of it should surprise you, especially not one of the hookers deciding to take a shower and being killed. Only when things look hopeless does our heroine play her trump card, the DV-8.
The video cover prominently displays the DV-8. It is an old mining or construction robot quietly rusting away in the local scrap heap. Arren has taken the time to fix it up and feels confident about piloting the thing. Despite a quick conversation in which we find out that it took "months" to learn the monster robot's controls, it does not look very difficult. If you want it to stand, then you type "stand." I am sure any other veteran Zork players out there would feel comfortable at the controls. In fact, screw throwing the rusty knife at the cyclops' eye, I want to type "punch cyclops in head" and be done with the annoying lout once and for all.
You are going to spend the entire movie waiting for the DV-8 to do something cool, you are also going to be very disappointed. It walks about a hundred yards, lifts up a fallen girder, steps on Quinn - then falls to pieces. Obviously a GM product.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Wearing a motorcycle helmet for several hours will not mess up a carefully feathered head of hair.
- Most blackouts are caused by old men falling onto transformers.
- People can speak clearly and in complete sentences while under heavy sedation.
- Hugging a woman is a sure-fire way to get her into the sack.
- Freon is indistinguishable from human blood.
- Hair picks and shotguns are equally effective as weapons.
- An ungrounded robot will only electrocute you if he grabs the showerhead.
- Safety glass is not used in pickup trucks.
- Male androids are made from titanium, but female ones are made out of powdery clay.
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- 5 mins - Tyson's white jumpsuit is exceptionally clean considering he has been riding a motorcycle through the desert.
- 7 mins - Oh now he's dirty...
- 11 mins - Did he pass a washer and dryer on the way out the door? How did his suit become pristine white again?
- 24 mins - Over one hundred degrees (Fahrenheit) in there and none of you woke up until the alarm sounded?
- 30 mins - Are these two fixing the electrical system or going skiing?
- 40 mins - Okay, so someone has read Asimov, very good.
- 49 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A DISPLAY CASE!
- 60 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 63 mins - Tyson pumps the shotgun a second time (for effect I guess), the problem is doing so would eject an unfired shell. Wait, he did it again! Hehehehehe!
- 73 mins - Preventive maintenance is always very important.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | crashburn1.wav
| Tyson and Arren talking, listen to him try not to crack up at the lines he is given.
| | crashburn2.wav
| Parice: "UNICOM is a free enterprise bureaucracy dedicated to the concepts of life, liberty, and the pursuit of economic stability."
| | crashburn3.wav
| Tyson: "By international agreement synthoids are programmed to be incapable of killing humans."
Arren: "Any synth can kill you if you override its fail-safe program with a crash and burn virus."
| | crashburn4.wav
| Parice: "This is crazy, it took months of training to walk a DV-8!"
Arren: "I've been trained!"
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | crashburn1.mpg
- 3.0m
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| You waited the entire movie to see it, so here is the DV-8. Still wondering why piloting the darn thing takes months of training? Join the crowd.
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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