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FERTILIZE THE BLASPHEMING BOMBSHELL!
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1990 Holmby Pictures
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Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 20 November 2007
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A woman and her fiancée take a shortcut through the desert on their way to Vegas. They get lost and find a strange town that is not on any of their maps. While the guy asks for directions, the blonde calls her identical twin sister, who lives in Vegas and is waiting for the pair to arrive. Back on the road, the travelers quickly find that they are in trouble. The directions they were given end in a box canyon and the gas tank is empty, intentionally punctured. Black-robed cultists grab them both. The man is set on fire and rolls off a cliff (in a scene that worries me, because the stunt looked like it went bad). The girl is raped by the leader of the Satanic cult and then sacrificed.
Remember the identical twin? Her name is Susan and she felt her sister die; the shock woke her from a sound sleep. Using a little car that is poorly suited for unimproved roads, the blonde woman tries to track down her dead sister. Susan finds her twin's abandoned car and eventually stumbles upon the town of Satanists. Once she encounters the cult, the high priest (Robert Tessier) marks the blonde as Satan's #1 surrogate. During the impregnation ceremony, the blonde bombshell stabs the high priest and flees into the desert, where she succeeds in killing numerous Satanists during an extended chase. The woman impales one with a ridiculously blunt tree branch! Picked up by a helpful tow truck driver that she met earlier, Susan realizes that the man is also a member of the cult and stabs him in the neck with a large wooden cross!
This is a boring film. The female protagonist spends a lot of time just driving through the desert. After the foiled impregnation ceremony she spends a lot of time running through the desert. Even the extended car chase scene (also through the desert) is boring. It is like visiting your great grandfather - the one who sleeps all day. You watch him for hours, in the vain hope that he might move, speak, or otherwise prove to be more interesting than a fungus.
A final complaint: scenes were frequently too dark to make out what was going on.
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| Things I Learned From This Show: | |
|  | Spelled backwards, "Satanville" is indistinguishable from the names of other Southwestern towns.
| | | It's good to be the high cultist.
| | | The favored vehicle of the great defiler is the Volkswagon Beetle.
| | | A spade-shaped garden hoe is no substitute for a grappling hook.
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| | | 2 mins - Based on their taunting insults, I would guess that this sect has caught themselves a Conservative.
| | | 15 mins - That looked poorly planned out and plain old dangerous.
| | | 62 mins - Just wait until 1999; all of Satan's studs will be saying, "Like, WTF? Why did I have to drink all that toad's blood?"
| | | Ending Credits - The soundtrack is so out of place that it doesn't seem to fit here, either.
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