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DIAMONDS OF KILIMANDJARO
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| Not Rated
| | Copyright 1983 Elite Films
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Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 21 January 2008
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I do not think that this movie ever had a script. Jess Franco took his crew to Africa, filmed various "jungle adventure" bits, shot a death scene for every character, and then returned to civilization to edit the whole mess into a reasonable semblance of a movie.
He failed at the "reasonable" part.
An older fellow, either a Scotsman or a golfer (perhaps both), and his niece survive a plane crash in the jungle. Crawling from the reasonably intact aircraft, the two are discovered by a tribe of natives and worshipped as gods. If installing an old man with a funny hat as a deity sounds ridiculous, you should see the effect of soft drinks on primitive cultures. Anyway, many years later the young girl, Diana, has matured and is the tribe's white goddess. Her duties mostly involve lounging topless in easily-scaled trees and preventing the villagers from killing anyone who stumbles into the tribe's territory.
Upon hearing reports that a beautiful young Caucasian girl is living among the jungle tribes, Diana's mother pays for an expedition to rescue her daughter. Along for the ride is a cousin and girlfriend who really do not want the girl to be found; they stand to inherit the family fortune if Diana stays lost. Rounding out the major characters are two experienced trackers. The biggest and meanest is a tough brute who cannot be bribed or bullied, and he knows the laws of the jungle like the back of his hand. He was hired to find Diana, and gosh darn it, he means to do so! The other tracker is a little weasel; he will gladly sell out to Diana's cousin for a cut of the fortune. He also takes his cut of the cousin's loose girlfriend.
Once the expedition finds Diana, and it takes a while because she lounges in a tree and watches them, guess who gets to roll in the reeds with her. Yes, the weasel screws the topless jungle goddess. The tough guy is hit in the back with a poisoned arrow and staggers his way out of the movie. Actually, the entire expedition is slaughtered by the tribe, leaving Diana and her Godfather still serving as the natives reluctant gods. Meaning that the movie is a dead-end storyline. Nothing changes for Diana or her Scottish godfather!
Something that bothered me is the cousin's girlfriend. She has a nether region that would look more natural on a Lego figure. Her hips, her upper thighs, and even the area between her legs all appear to be made of blocks. Weird.
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| Things I Learned From This Show: | |
|  | Accepting the position of "Tuberculosis Poster Girl" is lucrative, but overall...a bad choice.
| | | Diamonds are often found inside of geodes.
| | | Onomatopoeia is just another word for sex.
| | | Remote African tribes have mastered the art of crimping.
| | | A trademark of civilization is infidelity.
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| | | 6 mins - No way am I even going to try and chronicle the RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS. Suffice to say that if Diana is on screen, if the tribal priestess is on screen, and quite often when little Ms. Lego crotch is on screen, there are bare breasts.
| | | 33 mins - To anyone wondering how many times we are treated to a scene of the priests running between the huts to gather the tribe: many.
| | | 45 mins - "I said, 'Thank goodness there are not any indigenous species of cactus in Afri...OW!'"
| | | 61 mins - That does not look like "Rite in the Rain" paper.
| | | 76 mins - Watch for the amazing changing scotch bottle!
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